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Alan and the Wench [*]

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     Alan was riding his bike to the local drug store to pick up some smokes, when he nearly dove into the ground after the seat fell off the frame. Crap, he thought. I'm going to need an allen wrench to deal with this crap. He put the seat in his bag and side tracked over to the hardware store instead of the drugstore. The hardware store was only a few blocks away so he arrived shortly. Even though the hardware store was not part of a franchise it was still very large and housed many aisles anyone could easily get lost in.

     "Where are the allen wrenches?" He asked.

     "Aisle 7, you skinny twig." The cashier replied.

     He rubbed his forehead with his middle finger. "Thanks." Alan noted in his mind to come back and piss on the guy's car one slow day in the future. He approached aisle 7 and checked out the large area of allen wrenches available.

     "Can I help you, sir?" Asked an old, balding Middle-Eastern employee.

     "Yes, I'd like to buy an allen wrench for my bike, but I'm not sure which one to buy. I don't want to buy like 6 sets when I only need one. Can you help me out?"

     "Hell yea, dog. What kind of bike you ridin'?"

     "It's a Huffy. Straight up pimpin'. Crazy mileage on it. Don't need to buy gas so I just save it and spend my green on bitches and weed. Know what I mean?"

     "Hell yea. How you think an old fuck makes it through this shit work? Let's take a look at the mother fucker." Alan showed the old man his bike parked near the entrance. He showed him the seat where it came loose. The man quickly was able to figure out a size. "Size 1/6," he said.

     "Thanks, bitch." Alan hit him across the head. He hit him across the head again. Alan pretty much just kept wailing on the guy until he got knocked out. He dragged him to the back side of the store and put on the old man's uniform. He snuck back in the store. While walking around aisle 7 a customer approached him.

     "Do you have any tile?" An old lady asked in the most annoying, whiny manner. "I need some tile for my bathroom. I like to take baths butt naked in my bath tub and touch myself. Where can I find tile?"

     Alan cringed at the thought. He made up some aisle to get her away. "Uhh there on aisle 27."

     "Thank you, young man. But an old lady like me easily gets lost in these huge stores. Would you mind giving me a hand? I shouldn't be too much trouble."

     "I'll send someone over to aisle 26."

     "I thought you said aisle 27."

     "Jesus, you remembered? I thought memory faded out by that...nevermind. Yea sorry, I'm preoccupied, I meant 27. I'll send someone to 27."

     "Don't send me Albert. I've come here before and that fat guy is no help. He's a pervert and I've seen him hit on younger women. I'd report him, but he is manager so they don't care what he does. He tried to fuck my daughter you know."

     "I'll send someone else. Now, if you please, I need to re-stock these shelves."

     "Don't send Eduardo either. I think he's gay. Everytime I see one of those faggots I just cringe because back in my day we would just make fun of them and tease them until they were put on medication or given shock therapy. Now it's all normal, but I don't want his faggot ass around."

     "Ma'am please. There is a lot of stuff that needs to be stocked and I can't dilly dally."

     "Where is your stuff that you are re-stocking. You seem mighty suspicious. I haven't seen you here before. Do you work here?" Alan hit her over the head with an allen wrench and stuffed it in his pockets. He he suckers. I don't pay for nothing, he thought. Immediately after, he left the store and was hit by a semi on his way to the drug store.

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