Jim sat at his desk cubicle typing away on his keyboard when his supervisor approached him.
"Hi Jim how are you?"
"I'm fine Smith. Thanks for asking." He called everyone who managed him by their last name, but secretly glued their face to a punching bag at home.
"I was just reviewing this company's health insurance records and I noticed you put that you have no heart problems and that you only weigh 150 pounds."
"Okay," Jim became nervous and thought up an excuse. "Well I filled out that form awhile ago I might have put on a few pounds."
"Jim don't be ridiculous we required our workers to fill out these forms two weeks ago and you must weigh at least 300 pounds and I know you have high blood pressure."
Jim became defensive. "So what are you trying to say I'm fat?"
"No Jim I wanted to talk to you about honesty and integrity. I'm not going to fire you, but what you are doing is stealing from the company's money and if it happens again you will be demoted."
"Alright, thanks Mr. Smith."
Jim sat across from his best friend at the local pub in front of a big screen watching some baseball. "Hey Scott how are you man?"
"I got a new girlfriend."
"She's pretty ugly though. I'm poor and depressed so she's the best I can get. Missing a few teeth and must weight 200 pounds for only her five and a half foot frame. She told me she has sex with her dog. Then she told me she didn't call her dog back after sex. She seemed pretty proud that she wasn't attached that way and does whatever she pleases."
"That's pretty sad man. You going to stay?"
"Yeah I love her. I'm going to have her meet me at the bank tomorrow. You should look for a girlfriend man."
"Well this girl came up and talked to me yesterday while I was at work." He was a cashier at a local department store.
"What did she say?"
"She said her boyfriend was bisexual and likes to have sex with guys in the butt and would like me to join them in a threesome. Then in an arrogant abuse of our short lived relationship demanded that I admit women had invented the computer, spaceship, iPod, cellphone, and wheel; clearly taking advantage of the maxim 'the customer is always right'."
"Did you pursue it? You haven't gotten any action in awhile.
"Dude I'm not gay."
"I've been thinking of turning gay."
"I've been thinking of the land of lollipops."
The next day Jim and his girlfriend went to the bank. A terrorist lobbed a grenade into the bank. "Oh no I have to save everyone's life." He threw his girlfriend over the grenade and was applauded by the other members of the bank when the explosion was absorbed by her blubber.
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