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Problematic Issues Made Personal [IMG]

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     If you make a business decision that will put your company in debt, who is there to support you on your way down? When your self-esteem has dropped dramatically and you see a fat, balding man in the mirror each morning, is anyone there to help you out? (Even your hair has left!)

     If your spouse has already left with half of everything and the kids treat you like an A.T.M. consider us. Here at Problematic Issues Made Personal (or P.I.M.P.) we focus on you. At psychiatric clinics you spend months unraveling years worth of denial and anger displacement techniques. We deal with the here and now because life is too short to think about the future. Arteries are filling up like packets of string cheese and do you even remember the last time you smiled?

     Before we go any further we'd like to give you a preview of our facility. When you first walk in our doors you will pass a section of retards and various deformed individuals. These people are hideously ugly with the intelligence of no more than a three-year-old child. Their blabbering nonsense and ability to laugh when other people laugh at them is sure to raise your self-esteem.

     Next, you will be given simple tasks that will boost your moral. You will overcome simple puzzles, such as the rubix cube that needs only to be turned once to be solved. Other activities include: stealing candy from babies, talking dirty to dirt, and making fun of Asian drivers.

     Finally, in a category which we are proud to say we excel in, is our center for suggestive learning. Our N.A.M.B.L.A. certified doctors take pride in exaggerating your ego. After countless hours of brainwashing you, you will want to tell the doctor no more than to "get out of my face" while planning new ways of obtaining meaningless sex.

     Psychiatrists and therapists boggle you down with depressing truths that you just don't want to hear. They also span problems until your death. And instead of pumping your blood full of Prozac and lithium, we give you exactly what you paid for: six grams of pure Colombian cocaine. We charge a low twelve times a year fee of only $206.50. We understand how important your money is so we spend the majority of your appointment telling you how beautiful and smart you are. We go over each distinct feature of your god-like traits. Not only that, but we will turn your abnormalities into benefits. Your gigantic butt is a bumper to prevent careless pedestrians from walking into you. Your slope-like forehead makes it easy for running water to flood down your face. That morbidly obese gut is a surplus for this winter, etc.

     We also guarantee our services. And if you're not satisfied with our institute we will give you 600 hours of AOL 9.0 for free!

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