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The Ham Sandwich Of Doom [*] [IMG]

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     Curly was just letting his shoes off and sliding his feet into his slippers. He relaxed in his easy chair with a robe and an old wooden pipe passed down by generations. His father preferred tobacco, his grandfather preferred opium, but Curly was just fine snuggled up and blowing bubbles.

     "Dang I'm hungry, I think I'll fix myself a sandwich."

     "If you're hungry, why don't you just eat me out?" Sandy was a young blond, fairly stupid, but that was nature.

     "Sounds delightful, but I think I'll pass."

     Curly went into the next room, the kitchen, to fix himself a ham sandwich. The ham was still in the package, he already spread the bread with mayonnaise and had pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes laid out. He glanced at the package of ham, it read "move the tab upward." But there was no tab, a criminal mastermind must have stolen the tab from his sandwich while he was unaware. Dante, he was the only one daring enough to construct a decoy tab for his ham package. He was the senior officer of the police squad P.I.G.S. and out to get Curly from the start.

     Last May Curly came home to find his mansion door busted in and all that remained was broken windows, bacon, and hot dog wieners. Your common remains from a P.I.G.S. break-in.

     But there was no time for Dante and his long black curls now, Curly had a woman hog-tied in the previous room and it was only a matter of time until she either lost interest or gave him that "F" in English.

     "Damn this ham, I should now buy spam." He was getting frustrated now, on the urge of either ordering pizza or using the already open package of ham in the refrigerator. No, then Dante would win.

     This was bad, other than the time someone tried to get him to eat green eggs and ham he had a pretty good history with ham. Finally, he decided it would be best to simply snack on an apple and then go back to Sandy. He wasn't too enthusiastic about going back to see her though, in fact he wouldn't step back into the room until he played a good few rounds of Russian Roulette. He thought of her odd name as he switched from a six-caliber pistol to a semi-automatic Uzi. Her full legal name was Sandy Beach. Some of the kids back at school called her Sandy Bitch, but eventually she slept with all those who mocked her, so they would just call her a slut, or a whore again.

     Curly blew off his ear and drew a picture of the starry night outside. Immediately after he stumbled into the living room ignoring the medical attention he needed, he simply spat out "come on you dirty girl let's go upstairs."

     Sandy remembered how dirty she was, she usually slept around with random men and didn't have time for showers and such.

     "I think I need a shower," Sandy suggested. Curly, being a fairly rich man quickly agreed and gave her a golden shower.

     "I am pissed-"

     "On," Curly finished her sentence. It was great for him too because the downstairs bathroom was being repaired and he didn't want to take the elevator and two steps to the nearest toilet.

     "No," Sandy corrected him. "I am pissed off."

     "No look, I'm pissing on you right now." Curly reminded her.

     "I mean I'm angry," said Sandy now infuriated. "I have had sex so many times an elephant couldn't give me an orgasm."

     "We can see, I have elephants in the back."

     "No, I mean I want to be touched for the very first time, like a virgin."

     "I can hire a plastic surgeon and replace your skin so that you will really be touched for the very first time."

     "You know you're like all the disgusting men I've met: you take me out to dinner, then stay around a few weeks, don't mention anything about sex, finally give in to my temptation, fall in love, meet the folks, marry me, invest in stock, create a credit union, raise kids with me, talk about the good times we had, and then force me to divorce you and take half. I'm sick of being used, I'm leaving."

     "Fine," yelled Curly. "Then go do yourself."

     "I will, I have the new George Clooney 3000 vibrator. It comes with voice activation, man-like grunts, football gestures, and a 'you-can't-screw-this-up-by-screwing-it' warranty."

     Curly ran after her. "Oh yeah, good. The new Fornicate-Me Barbie just came in and I was gonna show her how a real man treats a piece of plastic." And with that they both left.

     Sandy found a bum in the park who was willing to share part of his crumpled newspaper for her to sleep on in return for sex. Curly found Dante and P.I.G.S. later that night and ordered that they all be slaughtered and turned into meat products to replace his package of ham that was "apparently" unable to be opened because of a missing tab. Fornicate-Me Barbie met Fornicate-Me Ken at the supermarket and they went home to wax their plastic body parts. The George Clooney 3000 vibrator was used as a donut stand and Fabio the homosexual butler suggested that the donuts tasted better for some reason. No one believed him and he was shipped off to a naval carrier where he would get a lobotomy since it was only 1971 and still two years before the APA removed homosexuality from its diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders.

     Fin.










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